I was reading Daniel’s latest tongue in cheek post over on AvantGardeFaith about “constructive” ways a church could allow keeping your cell phone on during a service. As one of those people who no longer go to a traditional church it got me thinking about what things, if any a church could do that would make me interested again. These thoughts are also very much tongue in cheek, so don’t get offended thinking I am blaspheming. I just thought it would be fun to think along the lines of what could churches do to really pack the pews every Sunday.
1) On the cell phone theme. The service could be done game show style. The pastor would post his cell number up on the video display screen. He would have three closed boxes full of door prizes next to him. Then after each segment of his sermon he could ask two or three questions about what he just said. The first person to call him with the correct answer each time would get a chance to choose a door prize from one of the boxes. Somehow, I actually think a pastor that did this would have more people actually listen to his sermon than ever before.
2) Hold services at about lunch time on Sunday and have food catered in for a buffet meal during the service. For charismatic churches the food could only be served after the worship service. Can you imagine the messes that would be created if people were trying to hold plates of food during a pentecostal worship service? There would probably have to be a monitor at the end of the buffet line to ensure that no one got more food than they really needed. We wouldn’t want any one to be a glutton, would we? People would also have to be willing to make concessions for the abundance of bodily noises and odors that would accompany this. I’m not trying to be gross, but just saying. Overall, I really think this one would go over well. We all know if there are two things most Christians love to do. It is go to church and eat. Combining the two might convince some that they had already made it to heaven.
3) Church service bingo. Yep, you heard me right. Give everyone that comes through the door a bingo card. Numbers will be discreetly called off all during the service, usually right in the middle of something else. That way you have to be paying close attention to get them all. The music minister might call out “B4″ in between two lines of the chorus. The pastor might end his opening prayer with “Amen O-60″. Everyone that has gotten a bingo during the service can redeem their card for a prize after the conclusion of the service. Maybe one of the prizes could be a “you can skip church next week with God’s blessing” card.
Anyway, I could probably come up with lots more. But this post is already too long, and I am really hoping traffic will magically pick up to this site and I will get lots of responses from others of you out there. I’d love to hear your thoughts on this.
June 13th, 2008 - 8:27 pm
I thought about playing along . . . I could have some fun with this! On second thought, it occurred to me some church somewhere might actually try some of this stuff, no matter outlandish or tongue-in-cheek it may have been intended. The problem, as I see it, churches ARE rather desperate for filling pews . . . or getting market share. How sad!
That’s what American Christianity has become . . . a market . . . and the only thing that matters is bringing in customers, no matter what it takes to get them in the door. So you see, bingo, buffets, and cell phone games are probably not that far of a stretch for some.
And while it sounds like fun to play along . . . it deeply saddens me to think of how far the church has sunk. Since when was market share the goal and purpose of the church? Certainly not in the beginning (when following Jesus and being part of a church would get you killed). Somehow I can’t imagine Jesus ever saying, “Come on over to our house for the Big Bingo Buffet.”
Let me end this rant with a Clarence Jordon story. After giving a tour of a new church building, the church member/tour guide announced, “Why, even the stainless steel cross in the baptistry cost $10,000.” . . . to which Jordon replied, “Time was you could get one for free.”