I plan to do one of these occasionally. I will first give a verse or verses from the Bible. Then I will give a re-write that I call the Modern Church Translation. Which is the way I see the modern church actually applying these verses.

10 Now, dear brothers and sisters, I appeal to you by the authority of the Lord Jesus Christ to stop arguing among yourselves. Let there be real harmony so there won’t be divisions in the church. I plead with you to be of one mind, united in thought and purpose. (New Living Translation)

10 Now, dear brothers and sisters, I appeal to you by the authority of the Lord Jesus Christ to separate into groups. Each group must consist of people who all think exactly the same. Each group must break fellowship with all other groups. Each group will be called a denomination. Let there be real harmony among those of your group, but remain separated from anyone who doesn’t see eye to eye with you. I plead with you to form a set of doctrines based on your opinions and make sure that anyone who wants to join your denomination promises to agree with them. Never under any circumstances should you question or challenge these beliefs. This will allow you to be united in thought and purpose without ever having to form an opinion for yourself. You won’t have to because you will have your church and denomination to do it for you. (Modern Church Translation)

I was reading Daniel’s latest tongue in cheek post over on AvantGardeFaith about “constructive” ways a church could allow keeping your cell phone on during a service. As one of those people who no longer go to a traditional church it got me thinking about what things, if any a church could do that would make me interested again. These thoughts are also very much tongue in cheek, so don’t get offended thinking I am blaspheming. I just thought it would be fun to think along the lines of what could churches do to really pack the pews every Sunday.

1) On the cell phone theme. The service could be done game show style. The pastor would post his cell number up on the video display screen. He would have three closed boxes full of door prizes next to him. Then after each segment of his sermon he could ask two or three questions about what he just said. The first person to call him with the correct answer each time would get a chance to choose a door prize from one of the boxes. Somehow, I actually think a pastor that did this would have more people actually listen to his sermon than ever before.

2) Hold services at about lunch time on Sunday and have food catered in for a buffet meal during the service. For charismatic churches the food could only be served after the worship service. Can you imagine the messes that would be created if people were trying to hold plates of food during a pentecostal worship service? There would probably have to be a monitor at the end of the buffet line to ensure that no one got more food than they really needed. We wouldn’t want any one to be a glutton, would we? People would also have to be willing to make concessions for the abundance of bodily noises and odors that would accompany this. I’m not trying to be gross, but just saying. Overall, I really think this one would go over well. We all know if there are two things most Christians love to do. It is go to church and eat. Combining the two might convince some that they had already made it to heaven.

3) Church service bingo. Yep, you heard me right. Give everyone that comes through the door a bingo card. Numbers will be discreetly called off all during the service, usually right in the middle of something else. That way you have to be paying close attention to get them all. The music minister might call out “B4″ in between two lines of the chorus. The pastor might end his opening prayer with “Amen O-60″. Everyone that has gotten a bingo during the service can redeem their card for a prize after the conclusion of the service. Maybe one of the prizes could be a “you can skip church next week with God’s blessing” card.

Anyway, I could probably come up with lots more. But this post is already too long, and I am really hoping traffic will magically pick up to this site and I will get lots of responses from others of you out there. I’d love to hear your thoughts on this.